Do you feel a little lonely in these times of social and economic instability? Haven’t had any social interaction since early March? Don’t worry, me neither! My name is Ben Walker and I’m a certified dating apps expert with nine Tinder matches under my belt. Today I’m here to give you five tips on how to get your midlife cutie back from at least six feet away.
1. Get out there
- Tinder and Bumble are basic stuff. In order to maximize the chances of meeting someone, you should register on as many dating sites as humanly possible. Join eHarmony, Farmers Only or even Amish Dating. Who knows, your soul mate might be on Christian Mingle. Personally, I would recommend signing up with at least 20 different dating sites in order to really market yourself. Now that you’ve created too many accounts to track, it’s time to create a profile.
- Even if no one is reading it, you should still have one. So I decided to break it down into three easy steps to make it as easy as possible to find your soul mate.
– Say that you like to travel, eat and that you like “The Office”. Literally every human being loves these things, so you are sure to achieve mass appeal. Mass appeal = maximum matches. Maximum matches = maximum potential relationships.
– Post a photo with a dog. You don’t have a dog? Find a friend with one. Don’t have a friend with a dog? Make more friends. If you are really desperate, google “person with dog” and use the first image that appears. Chances are, they are so fascinated by the dog that they won’t notice you are not in the picture.
– Similar to the dog strategy, consider using photos of people who are more attractive than you. Make your match think you’re Chris Hemsworth, when you’re actually Danny Devito. There’s a good chance you’ll never see them in person, so it doesn’t really matter.
- Now that you’ve set up your profile, it’s time to talk to strangers on the internet. A mistake that many amateurs make is to send the first message. “But Tinder Master Ben,” you might say, “doesn’t that just show that you care about the person and care enough about initiating a conversation? Of course it does, but it also makes you look needy and desperate. And no one likes desperation. So just wait for the other party to send the first message and if they don’t tag them as spineless cowards.
4. Ghost game
- Are you cold in the face about a first date? The accidental drunken match message you got first? The guy you only spoke to for a weak moment still thinks you’re up for Friday? Ghost them and never respond. Not only will this undo all plans and ruin any relationship, but it will leave the other party wondering where it went wrong for the rest of their life. What is that? Want to communicate your feelings like a mature human being and give them a reason why you are not compatible? Don’t make me laugh, this is ridiculous!
5. First dates
- So you’ve sifted through the thousands of people in the Charlottesville area and finally found one who is willing to risk catching a deadly virus to see you in person. Congratulations! You have won online dating!
So there you have it – five tips for getting a smoking cutie during this global pandemic. However, there’s a good chance every game won’t become your next date, and that’s okay. Getting rejected accounts for three quarters of the online dating experience. And remember, never be yourself!
Ben Walker is a humorous columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be contacted at [email protected].