The question I am writing to ask you for advice about our 22 year old granddaughter. We sit for my daughter and her family when they are absent. They have dogs, but do not like to put them in kennels. We always got along well with our granddaughter and we made her happy, as well as her brothers. But she is spoiled. Last month while we were there keep the house, there were screams between her and my husband. She didn’t like that my husband disciplined our dog when we arrived – but our dog was jumping.
I know my husband has an angry temper, but it goes quickly. His reaction was exaggerated. She stormed off and wouldn’t look at it. She asked him to leave the living room because she wanted to watch a movie. In fact, she arranged for a friend to call every other day to check that the dogs were well groomed, as if we weren’t trustworthy. She texted me to say that we should not enter her room and she referred to my husband by name and not by “grandpa”.
My daughter and her husband ignored her behavior. I think they should at least reprimand her. She owes her grandfather an apology.
Philippa’s response I guess in your day you had to respect your elders no matter what, and it really doesn’t seem right or fair that your granddaughter not only disrespects you, but hides it. She cried out to the patriarch! She didn’t trust you with dogs!
If we make someone too happy, it’s not their fault that we do it, so how can we use the word “spoiled” as an insult? I guess we mean “entitled” and there seems to be quite a bit of rights in Grandpa for sure.
Her parents, wisely, in my opinion, let her experience her own relationship with you and the Patriarch (because that’s what I call Grandpa for now) without interfering. Your granddaughter is an adult and she has the right to say how she feels.
And maybe the Patriarch could afford to say something to him like this, “I have read about ‘dog whisper’ and have tried it and my dog is behaving much better now. Thanks for showing me there was another way. And I really shouldn’t have yelled at the dog, nor should I have yelled at you. I’m used to being in charge and need to realize that I can have equal relationships where I let others influence myself, even if they are decades younger. In my day, fathers and grandfathers knew it all, and yet it was all a bluff – I swallowed it, but when I think about it, I realize I was taking their dominance over you. I really don’t need to continue this for another generation… ”
Or something like that and I’m sure you will all get along great.
It is natural to pass on what has been done to you. And it’s not his fault because until he realizes that there is another way to look at this situation, he won’t realize that he has a choice of how to train them. dogs and behave with the youngest.
It is essential that you and your husband remember what it was like to always be dominated, crushed, “disciplined” when you were younger yourself. And if you don’t succeed, if you think that being booed was “good”, it’s because you were so dominated that, in order not to be completely crushed by it, you became insensitive to it. When you’re desensitized, you care less, get over it quickly, and then yelling has less of an effect on you. But if you haven’t been desensitized, it won’t go away quickly.
Grandpa can recover quickly, but it doesn’t follow that those subjected to his screams do. Many of us, when shouted at us, feel fear. We have feelings of shock and adrenaline as if we have been subjected to physical rather than verbal abuse. And it’s very natural, when you feel attacked, to attack back. I’m not surprised that she can’t stand having him in the room. She would have been tense – not knowing when it was going to explode again.
The brains of adolescents and young adults are all wired for emotions. They sense things in color; we only feel in black and white by comparison. And yet the prefrontal cortex, the thinking part that controls impulses, is not fully mature until your mid-twenties. So I expect the relationship to improve in due course, especially if you and Grandpa are willing to move around a bit and accept and appreciate it as it is.
Put right and wrong aside, don’t try to blame and / or make excuses, but instead try to understand. To be right is overrated. Your required reading is The orchid and the dandelion by Dr Thomas Boyce. This will show you why some children and people are much more nervous and sensitive than others and no cuddling will make them less. And my book, The book you wish your parents had read, will give an overview of how we inherit our reaction habits towards children and how to improve our relationships with them (also applies to grandchildren). When you understand each other better and your granddaughter, it will help you all get along.
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